75 days. It sounds like such a long time when it is presented like that. But then if you start converting it, it sounds a little less impressive. 11 weeks. 2 and ½ months.
Not much time at all.
But every day I don’t drink is a win. It is a triumph. And that makes the 75 days I have been sober a lifetime of victory. Especially since it feels like so much time has passed since that dark night 76 days ago when I expelled half-digested pizza and 2 gallons of wine all over the back seat of my friend’s brand new Mini Cooper.
And so much has happened in those 75 days. First, I am feeling better now than I have felt in years. I am awake, alert, energized, and motivated. I wake up in the morning ready to go (well, sort of; it does take a minute or two of Charlie licking my nose to wake up all the way), and I feel good all day long. That is due in part to the Adderall I am now taking…
Which, as a side note, is the new stimulant my psychiatrist prescribed me since Nuvigil is not covered by insurance.
… But I think it is also due in part to the non-drinking. I sleep like I’m in a coma every night, which is far more refreshing than alcohol-induced slumber.
And now that my evenings aren’t taken up with getting drunk on wine, I am so much more productive. Reading, crocheting, and glass painting are part of my evening rituals. I write. I also volunteer at a local animal rescue on Thursday evenings.
And I’m binge watching American Horror Story.
In my drinking days, I was productive if I read a chapter in a book before the fog of alcohol enveloped me and made the act of breathing in and out my biggest accomplishment of the night. Now, no matter what I am doing, I feel more satisfied with my evening. I can sit with J and watch 3 episodes of American Horror Story and still feel good about my night. I never EVER felt good about the use of my time when it involved corkscrews and bottles of wine.
And that brings me back to the same conundrum I have faced during bouts of sobriety in the past: why did I ever drink in the first place? There’s so much here to enjoy, and love, and relish, and be fully a part of. Why would I take away from that with alcohol clouds?
I don’t have the answer to that question, but I use it to remind me why I am sober. Every time I feel the slightest tug of desire to grab a glass of wine, I shut it down with:
Remember what you did to D’s car.
Think about your life right now. One glass of wine will put an end to everything you’re doing, and everything you’re loving about your life.
You cannot have just one glass of wine. You can never have just one glass of wine.
Does the trick. Every time, thus far. It also helps to actively remind myself the desire to drink will always be a challenge. I will always have to fight off the urge.
And it is a fight I can win. If I fight hard enough.
So, here’s to the next 75 days!