The Shot Heard ‘Round the World

Well, golly gee whiz, I haven’t posted on here in a while.

What an understatement.  I think the last time I wrote a post, Lincoln was still president…but, in my lame defense, these past several months have been tough.

I got married.  I started a new job.  I have been an active volunteer with Kitten Rescue.

And I have been fighting – and losing the fight against – depression.  I’ve blogged about my battles with depression before, so it is not a secret I have been grappling with the disease for some time.  But for the first time in recent memory, I have found myself struggling harder, and for a longer stretch of time.  It’s been months now.  Months!  And the “lows” have been looowwwww…. Mariana Trench low.  Core-of-the-earth low.  Popped-up-on-the-other-side-of-the-globe low.

When I think about the feelings I have had tearing around inside my chest these past months, the word “tough” is almost a joke.

Made all the more so because when I think about my depression in the context of a bigger picture, it feels like such a ridiculous situation.  I did just get married.  I’m supposed to be in newlywed / honeymoon phase here.  I did start a new job, so I’m supposed to be in excited-and-going-to-change-the-world mode.

But I’m not.  I’m in barely-holding-it-together mode.  One-step-away-from-full-meltdown mode.  I’m-too-scared-to-do-it-but-if-I-weren’t-I-would-commit-suicide mode.

And I know calling this situation “ridiculous,” is in itself, ridiculous.  If a friend was experiencing this, and she confided in me, I would tell her what we all know to be the truth around depression:

Depression is an illness just like anything else, and it needs to get treated like any other disease.

You can fight this.  You can beat this.  It may take a few steps, a few trials and errors, but it can be done.  You just have to keep fighting.

You are not [fill in the blank: worthless, useless, unloved, unloveable, a waste of space, etc…]

And I know, in my deepest brain, these words above are truth.  But as I’m sure others experience: it is so much easier to say those words to someone else.  When it comes to your own struggles, it is nothing short of a Herculean effort to really and fully believe them.  You know how it is – the words don’t apply when it comes to you.

So I keep struggling.

But as a nerd who loves to read, I also keep looking up articles and essays in the hopes I will find something to help me get better.  I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for – inspiration, I guess – but I keep consulting the all-powerful Google with queries like “living with depression,” and “coping with depression,” and clicking on anything that looks remotely helpful.

An aside: I should clarify I am on medications for this.  That is part of what makes these past few months so perplexing… because I have been taking a combination of Paxil and Adderall for a few years now, and everything had been going along fine.  And then – boom.  Now, even though I still take the meds, I feel like death cooked medium rare.  So when I say I am looking for ways to help me get better, I am looking for suggestions or practices I can adopt in addition to the medications.

Which is what prompted me to come back to blogging.  This quest feels like the beginning of just that: a quest, and a journey.  And I feel like a lot of soul-searching, experimentation, and new experiences are ahead, so, as part of all that, I want to capture my progress – keep a log of the journey, as it were.  I imagine there will be moments of intense tedium, and the last of the tears have not yet come.

But I also hope there are moments of inspiration.  Moments where new tools I can use come into my hands, and new insights into successfully living with the disease come to light.  Because depression is a war, after all.  So it really is all about fighting it.

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About jnglcat21

An aspiring writer who has a deep love for animals, tall ships, books, and anything that is 3,000 or more years old
This entry was posted in Challenging Challenges : Overcoming Life's Obstacles, Defeating Depression : Trying to Beat the Disease and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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